Day One

Dear Diary,

In an attempt to "destress" I have decided maybe a journal would be a good idea. However, seeing as though I hate to write, this will do. I guess I should introduce myself. I am a 21 year old girl from a small town in New York that no one has heard of. At a young age, I became entranced in the idea of becoming a doctor. I guess I should start from when stuff started to go wrong?

At the age of ten my dad left my mother for another women. Most people say no big deal and under normal circumstances I would say the same. Why is it different? Well first let me describe my childhood home: It had a home above the garage and from there you could walk directly into another home that was connected. Before my dad left he tore the home that was connected apart. He left it as a bunch of debree in the basement that needed to be burned and filled. He also took out the garage doors and well started to make it into a bedroom, of course he never finished. What makes me, as my boyfriend says, "redneck" is that my dad left for my babysitter. She had moved into the apartment downstairs, after giving birth to my first cousin's child. She got married, moved out, and got divorced by the time my dad left to live with her and yes she was only 21. So I handled this like any self-respecting person would, I cried and put on my big girl panties because life went on and there was shit that I had to do, my older sister did not. I found myself being "the mom" because my mother was working 70 hours a week to barely keep food on the table and our house warm. I was constantly stressed to the max but worked through it and did well enough in school to get into any college of my choice, of course I chose the one that gave me the most money. Anyway, all of that is to prove that I worked hard to get where I am right now.

Where am I right now? Writing a blog that no one will read just to let out some stress because being pre med is fucking hard, which is something they do tell you. I seem to continuously make the hardest choices in classes and end up fucking myself over. Anyway, I am a junior at Syracuse. I have no time to study for my MCATS which I am taking in two months, no time for my boyfriend, and no time just to relax. So why make the time to blog? Because my boyfriend told me that I needed to and i thought well hell it couldn't hurt.

I just came back from spring break to find that there is an issue with my child support that my father pays to me. It just really has me all but in a tizzy because I don't have time for a job and at this point it looks like I better start looking for one. I seriously don't know what to do and on top of that I need to start studying for my MCAT but every time I think about it I get the most upset stomach ever. Welcome to ulcers :) I find myself comfort eatting whenever I get stressed out (this explains the 60 pounds I have gained since freshman year). I get even more stressed out because I should be taking better care of myself and running and excercising but I can't find the time because I can't find the time for anything !!!!! AHHHHHH.

Anyway, I was recently  home. I am talking I just got back about 6 hours ago. My mother is hard to explain.The best way I can explain her a is beautiful redneck. She complained over spring break that she went from a size 0 to a size 5. So, what made me so upset with her is that she tells everyone that we are so close but since she started dating my stepfather we really aren't. Mind you, I never saw her much because of her hours, but when she was dating my stepfather she would go to his place after work (she worked over nights to 6 am) and then I would not see her and this caused us to get into a lot of fights. I wouldn't have heat or anything to eat because she didn't know we needed stuff. Then she made me get rid of my hamsters and my dog because we were moving into my stepfather's (they weren't married yet and all he had was a trailer, on top of all that it was my senoir year in high school) For the first week all I did was cry and she defended him. He yellled at me oncw and called me a lazy asshole, I looked straight at him and told him I didn't know where anything was because they hadn't showed me. On top of that I had more or less lived alone for the past ten years, that he had to forgive me for being so "lazy". I don't think I will ever forgive him for that, well forgive maybe not forget. Anyway, since all of this my mother and I haven't really been close  but apparently she thinks we are so maybe I just feel detached from her.

My dad and step mom are getting a divorce. I can't say that I didn't see that coming but it is still upsetting. I didn't know where to go when I was home to see my little brothers and sisters. It was very hard on me. And this pissed me off than most, on the way to the bus my mother turns to me and says well at least this break you didn't have to constantly run. I wanted to turn and slap her right then and there. I only got to see one of my little sisters once and I NEVER minded going to see them. NEVER. In fact, I hate sitting around the house, its boring. My mother still refuses to get cable or modern internet. What is there to do around my place? NOTHING. I couldnt go outside because our entire back yard is water logged thanks to spring/snow the entire time.

What an introduction to my life? If this seems to be a bunch of me complaining, well then you catch on quick. That is exactly what this is supposed to be. I need a way to just let it all out and this way I dont yell/punch/fight with anyone I love. And hey no one gets hurt feelings because this is all anonymous.

Love Always,
Me